Crusoe: or, as I like to call it, MacGuyver Pirates!

Once upon a time, I used to watch television. Now, most of my diversions are found by computer, as long as it's connected to the internet for WoW and Second Life. When I do get to watch TV, it's like a special treat, a reminder of bygone days of 'passive' entertainment... funny how the remote control channel changer has become a novelty to me.

Last Friday night found me at my parent's house, relaxed on the couch, wading through the channels, looking for something NOT election related. Avast! That channel had a small boat of Piratey-looking fellows, pulling their boat ashore on a sandy beach.

A quick check of the guide proves that this is NBC's season premier of Crusoe! Seems I've only missed the first few minutes as well. Plus, it has Sean Bean listed in the credits (Boromir! swoon...) and Crusoe looks like a cross between Nathan Fillion and Orlando Bloom. Okay, so the eye candy is there, let's see if it has any substance.

We settle into the couches for what turned out to be a recipe for entertainment indeed; the "Rum and Gunpowder" episode is 2 parts MacGuyver, 1 part Hercules (the Kevin Sorbo version) frosted with a light dusting of Pirates of the Caribbean.

Crusoe, who has been marooned on a lovely tropical island for many years, finally makes contact with a boatload of pirates. When he sees their ship in the water, he lights a series of signal flares (which almost immediately reminded me of the signal flare scene in Return of the King). Then he runs down to the beach, where the pirates immediately start shooting at him. Did I miss something already?

The pirates are looking for gold, and of course, think that because Crusoe is on this island, he must also want the gold. That's pirate logic for you. MacGuyver, I mean Crusoe, has to figure out where it's buried (insert obligatory treasure map tattoo here), trick and/or kill off the pirates (AND some Spanish soldiers), fend off the advances of a lusty wench (who looks like 80% of the lusty wenches at the Renaissance Fair), deal with periodic flashbacks to his life in the real world, keep his ex-cannibal buddy "Friday" from being captured, and of course set of a multitude of traps to slow down his enemies. Crusoe seems to have an unlimited supply of rope, pulleys, and shipwreck debris with which to build himself not only a tree house hideaway complete with an elevator and juicer, but also a complex series of tripwires, traps, and even a giant hamster-wheel method of crossing a deep gorge. I sense I'll need to suspend my disbelief occasionally for this show to work.

I snorted at the various impossibilities: A man who has just had an arrow yanked out of his chest should not be casually walking and talking in the next scene. One man should not be able to lift a solid gold cannon over the edge of a cliff. Sigh...I wish I had a beer or few, then I could make this show into one hell of a drinking game. Don't get me started on the fight scenes. Pah! That wench couldn't cut and thrust her way out of a paper bag.

Somehow, I was still entertained, even though the cheese factor is quite high. Maybe that's why Crusoe usually looks like he smells something bad.

I mock because I love - you know that, right? So please don't sue me NBC, I think your cute little show is just fine. For pre-teen girls and boys stuck in the action-figure phase of their lives, that is.

Want to experience the adventure, cheese, and MacGuyver-y goodness for yourself? Then watch the whole season premiere of Crusoe on Imdb! Don't blink or you'll miss the couple of scenes where Sean Bean plays Crusoes' father.

Pirates of the Caribbean was horrible!

Yes, I said it. Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man's Chest was horrible. I had such high hopes for this flick. It in NO WAY compares with the first one. Terrible sequel.

How could I fly in the face of so many 'good' movie reviews? Just Ask-a-Ninja!!



I agree with everything he said. I mean, he's a NINJA. Aren't they always right?

In other news, it looks like the Colorado Renaissance Festival will maintain operations at the current site for another ten years. There's just one more weekend of the festival, so if you've got a craving for deep fried macaroni and cheese on a stick while you watch the joust, head on down to Larkspur before they board up the entrance gates for the year.

For the gamers out there, I've come across a handy site with Inspirational Posters made just for you! Though it is not quite kid-safe, RPG Motivational Posters has something for everyone - even a 20th level Paladin!

You said it, Trogdor!

Serenity Review

My night started with a visit to a friend's end-of summer barbecue in Loveland, where I showed up in my Jayne costume. I was basically doing the token fly-through, small talk and glass of wine before driving the hour to Louisville for the Serenity midnight premiere.

Upon my arrival at 8:30, I find I am one of the first to arrive. What, three and a half hours early and NO one else is there yet? Amateurs!!

Anyway, I decide to nap in my van until a few friends arrive. I got about 20 minutes of sleep before my phone started ringing, and my friends Russ, Jen and Matt were nearly there. We ended up at the Outback across the street, needing some drink and vittles before the show. Apparently, Carraba's had to deal with over 50 Firefly Fans. I think it was just the few of us at Outback, but the staff was pretty wary of us, as we were wearing our Jayne hats and taking photos.

We traveled back across the street to the theater, to find a few people had shown up. As we came up the steps, there were two men standing at the inside counter wearing suits. And they had blue hands!! The costume factor was increasing...

Car by car, fans trickled in for the next half an hour. Then it was like the gates of Hell opened and the crowd seemed to double, triple and quadruple in size!! Some of my friends were still on their way, so I spent most of my time outside (also because the lobby was as hot as the backside of a Firefly's engine room) with other folks who were pretty much tailgating until the theater was ready.

One awesome thing I should tell about that happened was that Talan managed to walk all the way from the car, into the theater, sit for the whole movie and walk all the way back out to the car. Without crutches. He'll be fencing before we know it.

But I digress...

The exodus inside began, and still I'm waiting for a friend, to give him his pass. Fortunately, he arrived just in time. If Russ hadn't saved a seat for me, I would've had a pretty poor spot - the theater was nearly full!

The noise level was high - we were all clearly very excited. People were quoting lines from the TV show, throwing popcorn and basically acting like kids at Christmas. I looked around the room, to see where my other friends ended up, and I counted at least 4 other Jayne hats besides ours.

Then, Carrick and Max (the two guys who put all this together for us) took the head of the room and made some announcements. Carrick read the letter that Joss Whedon wrote for the fans. We cheered a birthday, the woman who first got most of us hooked on the series, and the two men themselves for organizing this private premiere.

Then, the screen flickered...And we CHEERED!! Oh, wait. It's just the previews.

Finally, the Universal Logo appeared on the screen, and we were about to take a ride on Serenity. And she was falling apart, so it was pretty bumpy.

The crew was bickering (as usual) and dropping one-liners like a rain of spent shells. If anything, the situation was more intense, with the Alliance now SERIOUSLY after River, and Mal under a lot of pressure from the crew. The Reavers finally get to make their appearance, and you even get to learn the true origins of them. Great plot twist there.

The assassin that the Alliance sends after River (and subsequently Mal and anyone who has ever sheltered the crew) is completely brutal. Mr. Universe is a great new character, who taps into the media of the universe and pretty much lives off the signal. The backgrounds are lush, the big space battles (and the fight scenes!) are intense and the whole two hours went by way too fast.

Some of the romantic directions that the TV show looked to be taking are resolved, but then, this movie does some twists and turns that I never expected, either. The cast hasn't lost a drop of their chemistry. Their love for this story clear. Lucas, you got some competition.

Now, you would think that that would be the end of my review, but you'd be wrong. You see, I had to drive all the way home to Loveland after this let out around 2:30. That, and being jazzed from the vat of Dr. Pepper I drank, I didn't get to sleep until after 4am.

I dragged my sleepy self into work around 10. The first thing I did was pound another Dr. Pepper and eat a burrito with the hottest sauce I could find. I HAD to wake up. It wouldn't do to be making a bunch of mistakes on billboards. A typo that is 20 feet tall makes you look really stupid.

Somehow I managed not to break anything, or miss anything important. However, upon leaving at 4, I noticed that strange queasy feeling you get when you are really too sleepy to drive. Going north on Main Street through Longmont, I drove past a restaurant that I see everyday. They've always got some special plate or deal advertised on their sign with those black plastic letters that slide onto the tracks.

This time I could SWEAR it read "Create a Mexican Sauron."

Wow. I am way more tired than I think. Dyslexia usually doesn't set until I've gone a full 24 hours without sleep.

I spent the whole drive home talking to my friend Mazzy in Pennsylvania because I needed someone to keep me awake, but mostly to giggle about Sauron in a sombrero.

God I need a nap. I fear I'll have some crazy dreams....

Movie Review - The Merchant of Venice

This was supposed to go up last week, but I got distracted by Publicola about 30 minutes into it, so I had to start over.

Anyway, we are all so fortunate to have the Bard's works available to us at our whim. Unlike Elizabethan England, we don't have to stuff ourselves into ill-fitting corsets and mingle with the unwashed masses to get our entertainment fix.

I don't recall reading The Merchant of Venice in school. Apparently, next to Romeo and Juliet, this just didn't regard enough interest from the literary department. Ah, well, I guess we can't all be Henry V.

As far as the movie itself, I was pleasantly entertained for over two hours. It was a trifle slow in places, but picked up speed before I got too bored. I must say that Al Pacino makes a great Shylock. And I will always love Joseph Fiennes in anything Shakespearen. Anything.

And I just love the 'test of chests' that Portia requires of her potential suitors. Since I'm single, I'm thinking, hmmmmmmm........no. Nevermind. That would cause all kinds of sillyness.

So, the plot: Moneylending, romance, racism, greed, treachery, crossdressing, and of course the costumes are amazing! And not a single one of the main characters dies!? Pretty much everyone lives happily ever after. Except Shylock.

He works himself all up into a lather about a payment owed to him by Antonio (played by Jeremy Irons) and demands 'a pound of flesh.' Bet you've always wanted to know where that saying came from, eh?

At one point, Shylock is offered double his return on the loan, but apparently it's the principle of the thing. The courtroom scene is fabulous, with Antonio looking about as sick as I ever did see anyone who knew he was about to butchered. Shylock, sharpening his blade, is stubbornly refusing to hear pleas for mercy. He wants his pound of flesh, for vengeance, for his wounded pride. It's amazing what men will do to keep their pride propped up.

The gamut of emotions that Al Pacino runs just in that one scene is worth watching the whole movie.

Did I mention the costumes? I should do that again. Costumes!! Sigh...I really need to get some sewing done.

I'm going to go play with my Magnetic Poetry Shakespeare Edition now. Forsooth!

Best Japanese food in the world

Normally I don't go all crazy for Japanese food. My good friend Ian had told me about Domo in Denver a couple of times, and we got the chance to go a few days ago for Badger Blades end-of-faire-dinner.

Holy wasabi. Jesus H. Christ. For once, I was speechless. As I walked through the gardens and admired the koi, I thought "wow, it's like I'm actually IN Japan." Then we went into the small museum, which has many items like World War II sake cups and uniforms that have been donated to Domo. Also in the museum is a sliding wall that allows you a great view into the Aikido dojo, where we watched students get hurled to the floor over and over. Worked up my appetite.

I ordered the Wanko-sushi, which at first seems really complicated, but it turned out fine. I was really quiet through dinner, which usually means I'm either totally pissed off, or totally enjoying the food.

Seriously, this is on my list of "things to do in Denver when you've got company you want to impress."

Arigato...

Movie Review - Revenge of the Sith

Nearly 30 years ago, as I sat with my then 30-something parents in our old station wagon at the drive in theater, something wonderful happened...

I became aware of science fiction via the lush and exciting world of "Star Wars". Up until that time it was just fairy tales and Judy Blum, but after, oh my, did I ever want to be a ship's pilot or captain like Han Solo. I had tons of the action figures, and I would play all day long, my body on the earth, but my mind in space.

Come full circle we have with "Revenge of the Sith". I know it's not really the last movie, but it is a damn fine way to wrap up Lucas' vision of this reality.

Technology has come so far since the original Star Wars, that Lucas can now pretty much do anything he wants, limited only by his imagination. Personally I love the new CGI creatures and aliens that he rolls out on each new episode. And the lava effects during the fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan are stunning. Oh, and the WOOKIE ARMY is not to be missed.

This was very entertaining, but maybe it's because I've ALWAYS wanted to see more of the dark side. Most of the other movies have been Jedi-centric, and I always wondered HOW one got to be evil. Were they twisted to begin with? Were they manipulated by other more powerful evils? Did they just have a bad day?

Seriously though, the first time you hear Darth Vader breathing through that black mask ( after being found by Darth Sidious and 'repaired' from his near fatal fight with Obi-Wan ) it will send chills up your spine.

Lucas knows just what to do to illicit emotional responses like this from his audience. There are several moments like this during the movie that you can't help but get caught up in the action. And you get to watch Anakin's fall to evil, which is great. And Jar-Jar never once opens his mouth.

Movie Review - Kingdom Of Heaven

It is my sworn duty to see every movie that is set sometime in the past. I shall brave the bad reviews, sticky floors and fidgety children to endure just about any amount of cinematic abuse.

Kingdom of Heaven wasn't so much abuse as it was uninspiring. Maybe I was having an off night, but I'm trying to recall scenes from this movie now to write about it. It all seems to have evaporated like water in the desert.

Orlando Bloom seems to have grown out of his "elf" stage, though. And the princess does have a short little henna session that would have been much more interesting to me a few years ago, when I still had a henna business.

The costumes of Saladin's army were quite nice. A couple of good scenes inside lavishly decorated tents, some halfway decent fight scenes, and Orlando even takes his shirt off once or twice. Ooooh.

I think I'll watch Pirates of the Caribbean again .

Bard's Tale for Xbox: Video game review

I'm a big fan of role playing games. I was also an arcade zombie for most of my pre-teen existence.

Imagine my happiness when I find Bard's Tale! Combining all of the hack-n-slash of an RPG with a 3/4 down view video game layout makes for a dashing good time.

Having seen this game on the racks at game stores with a $49 price tag slowed me down for a while. I hate it when I buy and game and it was a complete waste of money. So I just rented it instead. The learning curve was a little steeper for me than anyone buying the game, because rentals don't come with the manual. Oooh, lots of button combinations to cast the proper spells you need. The map feature is very nice. I quickly figured out how to skip over those awful songs that the game designers apparently thought were integral to the story. Still some things for me to figure out, like why there are cow skulls spinning around the Bards' head sometimes, and how to use different weapons.

If I had to rate it from 1 to 5 stars, I'd probably give it a 4. A couple of things bug me a little, but not enough to detract from the fun.

Cary Elwes (Wesley from The Princess Bride!) does the 'voice' of the Bard. It's worth a rental just to hear his snarky comments. This game has a bit of sexual innuendo, but would still be suitable for kids. The jokes would probably go over thier heads. There is blood when you kill stuff. The narrator is actually really funny, and tells the tale of the Bard as if the game were a storybook.

When you load a saved game, the narrator says things like "oh, yes, now where were we? Chapter 10..." Verrrry Princess Bride-ish. And once, when I died, the Bard cried out "in-con-CEIVE-able!!" as he perished. Heehee!

God, I am such a geek. But, I am not left-handed.

I finally got to watch an episode of "Young Blades"

So I took a day off work this week to be sick with a cold. When I'm sick, I like to watch a lot of TV. It's mindless entertainment when the Benadryl kicks in and turns my brain to goo.

In my previous post about Young Blades, upon learning about this show, I was not very confident that it would be entertaining, accurate or funny. Even with the Benadryl, which usually imparts a degree of surrealism to television, I still had to force myself to watch the whole show.

I watched the entire episode called "Davinci's Notebook". The plot was mostly about one of the Blades finding a scrap of said notebook, and getting a hold of more of it, then building a weapon from the sketches and instructions. Of course this was all part of the master plan of the bad guy, whose minions swoop in and steal the weapon so that they can defeat the army of the Kings's nephew, or something like that. I don't know. Maybe it was all a bad dream from the drugs.

Oh, yeah, and one of the Blades is actually a lady masquerading as a man! Of course some peasant wench falls for her/him and much unconfortable 'hilarity' ensues. Did I mention the actress playing this crossdressing character is in real life named Karen Cliche? Funny how that works out.

I'm skipping this next time it happens to be on. I'd rather watch old MASH reruns.

Book review: The Eagle and the Raven by Pauline Gedge

Ten years ago, when I first read The Eagle and the Raven, I was awed by the scope and power of this story. Being a borrowed book, I vowed that someday I would find my own copy and read it again. At the time, I was fully entrenched in what I call 'my Celtic thing' back in the early 90's, and chewed through enough reference material to make your head burst from all the knotwork.

This book is 'historical fiction' about the Roman conquest of Britain, seen through the eyes of various chieftains, and ending with Boudicca, the Queen of the Iceni. Most of the dust jackets and press that has been written about this book focus completely on her, but in reality, only about a quarter of the book is from her point of view.

I will try not to spoil the ending, but the last climactic battle is worth the 900 pages of story. Makes me want to go beat some Romans. In fact, ten years ago, after the first read, I was so moved that I went out and bought Iceni coins to show my support for the Boudiccan Revolution.

The character development of the chieftains, warriors and tribes ( like the Catuvellauni and the Iceni ) along with the sprawling plot make this book a MUST READ for anyone interested in the roots of Celticism, British History or Roman influence.

Pauline Gedge certainly tweaks a few of the names and possibilities, but overall does a great job of telling this story. She makes the chieftains seem very real, and her good use of drama helps move the story along during the slower parts.

It appears to be back in print now, which is good. I had to scour used bookstores for ten years to find this copy. No, you can't borrow it. Get your own.

Margos Period Patterns

Here's another old review from last year...

Elizabethan costuming has been the bane of many costumers' existence for years, mostly for a lack of quality research. The major adjustments that most patterns require means you are pretty much re-doing it from scratch anyway. But wait - there's another way!

Margo's Patterns offers some amazing pattern packages for those of us crazy enough to wear late period. The Elizabethan Gentlemens' Wardrobe has doublets, shirts, sleeves, slops, breeches and enough pattern variations to keep you busy for weeks (or months if you sew like me). The Elizabethan Lady's Ensemble has even more to choose from.

Underpinnings, bodices, skirts and accessories, oh, my!

Want to know the BEST part? Of course you do.

This lady has seriously done her research. A quote from her site:

"Each pattern package comes with extensive instructions and documentation -- including detailed discussion of extant specimens, how they were made and worn, materials and techniques of the period, and the modern equivalents you can use to achieve the closest possible results."

Expensive? Yes. Totally worth it? Absolutely. Prices range from $22 - $70, but trust me, you'll never buy another late period pattern ever again.

Bring on the brocades, I'm chaining myself to my sewing machine for a year.

Also, check out this great book from Amazon.com...

Cavalier boots

Here is a review I did for RenBoots.com last year. I thought I should resurrect it and post it here for your enjoyment.

We all love boots. Especially nice, tall leather boots. Very dashing.

We also love NOT spending $400 on our feet. Not that these guys who make the $400 boots don't make a great product, but they are simply not affordable for most of us.

For much less than $400, if you want to complete your cavalier costume, or simply have something to protect your legs from the bushes and mud found at most primitive event sites, RenBoots are for you. I purchased mine well over a year ago, and I've been fencing and tromping all over really rustic sites (with cactus) the whole time and they haven't blown out yet.

Of course, I got the 'entry level' boot for $105, called Prince John, and it DOES have a zipper (for all you period nazis) or lace-up grommets on the inside of the ankle. When this pair of boots finally does succumb to the harsh grounds of the Outlands, I will definitely contact these guys again for my next pair, which I'm hoping will be the Knight version with vibram soles for $300. Sexy!

Young Blades - New TV Show on PAX: Pre-review/Preview

I caught a brief glimpse of the "Young Blades" trailer while flipping through channels the other day, and went straight onto Google to see if I was indeed just hallucinating.

I was not. Sigh.

Please, go to the website and click on 'view the trailer'. Everything else that happens to you for the rest of the day will seem great by comparison.

Granted, I cannot give a real 'review' of this show until I've actually seen it, but I'm not going to hold my breath that the fight scenes will be any good, the costuming will be anywhere near accurate or the acting will be any better than my 9th grade high school play.

Poor Dumas is probably rolling in his grave. Or trying to stab himself in the eyes so he doesn't have to watch this pablum.

Go read the original version of the Three Musketeers online! Or, get the 1974 move "The Three Musketeers" from Amazon. At least that movie was pretty close to his story.

Return of the King Extended DVD

My friend who works at Blockbuster got an advance copy of the Extended edition DVD "Return of the King", and I must say I'm pretty impressed with all the extra scenes. They certainly fill in some of the story I thought was 'hurried through' in the theater version.

Another fun thing is the 'easter egg' scene which is a faked interview with Elijah Woods. Only he doesn't know it's fake. Gotta love those saucy Germans.

We only made it through the first disk of the movie, and haven't touched any of the other special features yet.

I'm going to have a LOTR party sometime this spring, and we'll watch all three extended versions in a row, back to back. Then for those who can make it all the way through, we'll watch all three easter eggs. We've decided to serve mead, Hobbity food and make a version of lembas bread out of cornbread and honey.

Pirates of the Caribbean vs. Pirates: the Legend of Black Kat (Video game challenge!)

Since I'm on a roll here, and I've got the time, I thought I'd share with you my feelings about my recent purchase of the "Pirates of the Carribean" video game for Xbox. Ahem...

WHY for the love of God did I spend money on this? Lovely graphics and all, but come ON. You get what, two, maybe three moves during swordfighting? Please. And the cumbersome amount of detail just so you can get your ship up to speed. I sunk it at least five times just trying to figure out how to sail, too.

No. When I think "pirates" I think hack-n-slash, running around with a cutlass screaming "Arrrr" or finding loads of buried treasure.

Spend your money on "Pirates: the Legend of Black Kat" instead. It's got all the good Errol Flynn-like fighting moves, and the story itself is fun to follow. OK: cheesy, but fun. And the ship battles are awesome, once you get the hang of camera angles. Plus, with some very interesting codes that you can download here, you can change her outfits. Trust me: you want to know where her jolly roger is tattooed.

If you want to get into the character a bit more, sail on over to the Talk Like a Pirate Day website and get educated about all those cryptic terms like "avast" and "booty".

Full sail!