Crusoe: or, as I like to call it, MacGuyver Pirates!

Once upon a time, I used to watch television. Now, most of my diversions are found by computer, as long as it's connected to the internet for WoW and Second Life. When I do get to watch TV, it's like a special treat, a reminder of bygone days of 'passive' entertainment... funny how the remote control channel changer has become a novelty to me.

Last Friday night found me at my parent's house, relaxed on the couch, wading through the channels, looking for something NOT election related. Avast! That channel had a small boat of Piratey-looking fellows, pulling their boat ashore on a sandy beach.

A quick check of the guide proves that this is NBC's season premier of Crusoe! Seems I've only missed the first few minutes as well. Plus, it has Sean Bean listed in the credits (Boromir! swoon...) and Crusoe looks like a cross between Nathan Fillion and Orlando Bloom. Okay, so the eye candy is there, let's see if it has any substance.

We settle into the couches for what turned out to be a recipe for entertainment indeed; the "Rum and Gunpowder" episode is 2 parts MacGuyver, 1 part Hercules (the Kevin Sorbo version) frosted with a light dusting of Pirates of the Caribbean.

Crusoe, who has been marooned on a lovely tropical island for many years, finally makes contact with a boatload of pirates. When he sees their ship in the water, he lights a series of signal flares (which almost immediately reminded me of the signal flare scene in Return of the King). Then he runs down to the beach, where the pirates immediately start shooting at him. Did I miss something already?

The pirates are looking for gold, and of course, think that because Crusoe is on this island, he must also want the gold. That's pirate logic for you. MacGuyver, I mean Crusoe, has to figure out where it's buried (insert obligatory treasure map tattoo here), trick and/or kill off the pirates (AND some Spanish soldiers), fend off the advances of a lusty wench (who looks like 80% of the lusty wenches at the Renaissance Fair), deal with periodic flashbacks to his life in the real world, keep his ex-cannibal buddy "Friday" from being captured, and of course set of a multitude of traps to slow down his enemies. Crusoe seems to have an unlimited supply of rope, pulleys, and shipwreck debris with which to build himself not only a tree house hideaway complete with an elevator and juicer, but also a complex series of tripwires, traps, and even a giant hamster-wheel method of crossing a deep gorge. I sense I'll need to suspend my disbelief occasionally for this show to work.

I snorted at the various impossibilities: A man who has just had an arrow yanked out of his chest should not be casually walking and talking in the next scene. One man should not be able to lift a solid gold cannon over the edge of a cliff. Sigh...I wish I had a beer or few, then I could make this show into one hell of a drinking game. Don't get me started on the fight scenes. Pah! That wench couldn't cut and thrust her way out of a paper bag.

Somehow, I was still entertained, even though the cheese factor is quite high. Maybe that's why Crusoe usually looks like he smells something bad.

I mock because I love - you know that, right? So please don't sue me NBC, I think your cute little show is just fine. For pre-teen girls and boys stuck in the action-figure phase of their lives, that is.

Want to experience the adventure, cheese, and MacGuyver-y goodness for yourself? Then watch the whole season premiere of Crusoe on Imdb! Don't blink or you'll miss the couple of scenes where Sean Bean plays Crusoes' father.