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    Friday, July 24, 2009

    In which Wal Mart is challenged to a duel...

    Verily, it has been long since I blogged. The summer, being busy time, full of events, henna and gardening leaves me not much time for collecting my thoughts and arranging them in a readable, much less funny way.

    Being on Facebook also drags down my ability to blog, since I'm kind of micro-blogging there anyway. Seems like 'Facebooking' is the new way to share info, at least with the 200 friends or so who still think I'm funny.

    One of my friends there linked to this Livejournal post about Walmart ripping off an SCA scribe. In the photos, it appears like they scanned an award scroll and incorporated it into medievalish design. Theories abound as to how WalMart may have acquired the scroll, and tempers are starting to flare, but many of the commenters have basically boiled it down to "challenge them to a duel."

    Which would be FABULOUS marketing for the SCA. Wouldn't it be great to storm all the WalMarts of the country simultaneously? Let's do a costumed hostile takeover until this is resolved!

    Just think...

    We could replace the aging WalMart greeters with the customary Troll booth. Instead of "Nice to see you today" it would be, "Are you pre-registered? Not an SCA member? Would you mind signing this waiver?"

    Hospitallers could help direct the confused public towards the newly medievalised departments. Squires could help the little old ladies get their heavy carts unloaded into thier cars. We could hold fighter practices there, and cries of "Have at thee, m'lord!" would echo throughout the parking lots. And let's not forget the shopping cart jousting!!

    All those tacky sweatshop clothes could be replaced by garb from throughout history, and ladies-in-waiting could help shoppers into the new corsets, ruffs and dresses. There should be a whole section for "Joe T-tunic", after all, it's STILL WalMart. I would dearly, DEARLY love to see a codpiece aisle, though.

    The sporting goods section would need a complete overhaul to include armor, rattan and fencing equipment. A complete line of colored duct tape, too. If there are still 1-hour photo developing services, we could re-purpose them into "1-hour Armor Repair." The whole camping section would need to be replaced with period alternatives, and a better selection of tiki torches.

    You can bet the crafts section would get 100% better, as we could throw a couple of rabid Laurels in there to get rid of all the synthetic fabrics, buttons and accessories and replace them with proper silk, linens, wool, natural dyes and handmade fasteners. Heraldic displays, coming right up! But keep a couple of those "BeDazzlers" around, because they are fun!

    Most of the toy section would be gone, replaced by nice wooden toys and castle building kits. Electronics? Wiped out. In fact, that would be a great location for a period arts display and heraldic consultations. The Health and Beauty section would of course turn into an apothecary/alchemist. I'm sure the aging beauty queen customers will find that sheep's dung mixed with buttermilk is JUST as effective as their $30 a bottle wrinkle cream.

    The larger Walmarts might have a fast-food corner, which will of course need to be remade into a Tavern. Better watch out for those tavern brawls the fencers are so fond of stirring up. Speaking of food, 90% of the food section would have to go. Way too much processed, packaged, plastic 'food' will be replaced with more fresh vegetables, grains and fruits. And saffron! Maybe there should be a subtlety aisle for the marzipan-inclined? I'll leave that mess up to the Cooks Guild!

    Oh, what fun we could have at WalMart! And, once the CEO's of WalMart get sick of this, they'd have to come down and duel us in person to get their stores back. Actually, I'm thinking larger scale war might have to be readied for, just in case we have to siege. Let's park a few catapults in the back of the parking lot too.

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