Let me tell you how much gardening really eats up all of my time and energy. So much so, that writing (which was once one of my favorite pastimes) has been backburnered for a while.
I know that the longer I forego exercising my wit, the weaker my wit muscles become. As such, even starting to write now is hard. Getting thoughts organized and capturing fleeting moments of mockery for later writing inspiration seems impossible with the amount of information that crosses my eyeballs every day.
Well, I shall try here to revert the atrophy of my wit with an impromptu internet meme that has made the rounds of many blogs before mine: A top 20 list of interesting keywords used to find this site. Keep in mind that someone out there physically typed these words into a search engine. And somehow landed here.
- larping god of war - This was the first 'funny' one I found as I scrolled down the list of keywords. I didn't know LARPers had Gods. But man, church must be fun, what with all those foam weapons and body paint. OK, I need to stop visualizing that right now.
- birkana coded decimal - This was the first one that I had no clue what it meant. So of course I looked it up and found this awesome Viking Sliderule! Now I can translate PI into runes. I think.
- cursed boots of pain - Long ago, some poor soul sold his handmade leather boots on eBay. In a rare moment of foresight, I copied the entire description for the auction, and it's so funny it is still getting cut and pasted into emails all over the world. I like to think I've done my part to make the internet a better place.
- armadillo breadbin - What's this, some strange word association game? Yet another stupid band name? No, just an anachronistic modern gadget that reminded me of a lorica segmentata. All roads lead to Rome, you know.
- inconcievable! - You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. Apparently, I quote the Princess Bride a lot in this blog.
- period not on time - Hmmm. I'm sure the repetitious use of the words "time period" in my blog could misdirect someone here in their hour of need. There is no helpful advice on that subject here, other than go buy a pregnancy test.
- photo under a scotsman kilt - There are some things you can't UNsee, you know. Regimental is one of them. Sorry to disappoint, but there are no upkilt shots here. Try that seedy-looking blog down the way there. Buh-bye now.
- warcraftitis - A dangerous, contagious disease, affecting some 10 million of us now. Don't come any closer, really. The first thing it attacks is your social life. (Cough, cough - I think I have rez sickness...buffs plz??)
- hovercraft construction plans - Curses, foiled again! Next thing you know, my super villain island hideout location will be found, and my plans for world domination will be...wait, did that say hovercraft? My bad. I thought it said orbital deathraycraft.
- mad foam skillz - I really want to make a lolcat cartoon to go along with this one. Someone searched online for this! We're doooooooomed!! He will be the next larping God of War!! (See #1)
- beer ninja trebuchet - This sounds like the perfect weapon. I'll start building one right away. I'll bring the beer, now who's got the ninjas?
- chaucer and a spaceship - Huh? Not that I would be surprised to find out he's from outer space, but I'm just mystified as to how these two things can get put together into a search term and why!??
- cloven fruit problems in the sca - This can be taken two different ways: #1 being the problem of cloven fruit not occurring very often. #2 being that it does occur too often, and then what's the problem? Cure for #1: bring your own cloves and fruit. Problem solved. Next?
- diy elven ears - Go with latex. I speak from experience.
- fashion spandex headbands - Three words that should not, cannot ever be uttered in the same sentence ever again. They form a rare mutually exclusive trifecta. Whoever you were that searched for this and found me, please stop going outside in whatever you think passes for acceptable clothing. Put on a long trench coat and cover it all.
- is there a secret mount in wow where you ride chuck norris - I just figured out what I want for Christmas this year. Too bad it doesn't exist.
- mercenary bitch - Touché.
- naked pennsic photos - I may be bawdy, but I'm not stupid. That kind of stuff gets you sued. I've seen nakedness at pennsic, and it was never something I wanted to cherish forever in the form of a photo. Unless of course there's a hot Outlands Duke in the swimming hole, and then it's OK.
- silly pictures about people fighting with swords - Isn't that what this blog is all about, in a nutshell?
- five cool things about medieval life - Mead, swords, catapults, maps and calligraphy.