ORCtoberfest

Today I went to one of my least favorite modern inventions:

The Mall.

Oh, how I despise the riot of advertising, smells, music and children that is The Mall. Like church, I rarely visit willingly. Oh, and you know what? Christmas has already arrived at The Mall. This equation is much worse than just 'Mall' alone. Ugh.

And yet, willingly I went this day, to the dreaded Mall, in search of what modern healers call 'an eye exam' for an invention of the middle ages, eyeglasses.

Unlike many of the stores, blaring 'uunst-uunst-uunst' music for all and sundry to be deafened by, the eyeglass shop was a quiet respite from the chaos. Though I was not admitted quite as quickly as promised, there were many interesting magazines to peruse, and once in the exam room, it was rather quick and painless.

And, (because it is very important to the storyline) I am now under the influence of tropicamide and hydroxyamphetamine. Ooooh, sounds pretty scary, huh? Sorry to disappoint, but it is just to dilate my pupils.

This stuff takes a few minutes to take effect, so I went for a walk (back into the dreaded Mall!!) while the doctor saw another patient. Making my way to the Food Court, I encountered these annoying kiosk questions and more:

'Do you have the hottest new cell phone?' 'Would you like to try our best selling back massager?' 'Did you know these were made by schoolchildren in Africa?'

I used to work in a kiosk, so I'm allowed to hate them. At least I only sold crystal roses and dolphins to little old ladies in a hick town mall. If that ruins your heretofore respectful picture of me, so sorry.

Then, while sipping my soda and dodging baby strollers, the lights became too painful to look at. Then everything got blurry. Not so blurry that I was in danger of tripping over the baby strollers, but it was about time to get back to the eyeglass shop.

Trying to get my bearings to return, I was reading store signs and banners and sure enough, I found myself making another pretty funny dyslexic error.

ORCTOBERFEST!

Really?!! COOL! I go dashing off towards the store under the big red banner thinking 'ooh, that must be a gamer store' only to discover it's like a Hallmark store only tackier and the sign actually said OCTOBERFEST!

Stopped me dead in my tracks right in the entrance, with the lip-ringed salesgirl looking at me looking really confused. Looking at the banner, looking in the store, and back to her.

And her looking at my hugely dilated pupils.

"Oh, sorry. I thought you had Orcs," I said.

Wouldn't it be funny if there was another story, on some other blog, posted by some nameless lip-ringed teenager who works in The Mall, about the lady very obviously on drugs who was sad because her store didn't have Orcs?

I think I'm going to laugh for days.

Alright. I MAY have been convinced....

I love the Outlands. I even wrote a song about it. What I don't love is the Grand Outlandish site in that horrible sandy wasteland they call Torrance Park. I have been going to Outlandish since 1994, have seen various sites, and the event has gotten progressively worse every year.

With all the dust, and wind and sun, not to mention getting booted off our nice, protected, shady spot and having to move to the extreme far open end of the event site, I seriously lost five years off my life last year.

My lord and I took a brief respite from the elements on the last Sunday morning, to run into town for something. We sat in GLORIOUS wind-free air-conditioned bliss for a half an hour, eating the first meal in five days that wasn't covered in sand.

"Why don't we just leave?" he said.

"Now?"

"Yes. Go back to the site, pack up everything, and go."

"OK."

It was that easy.

This would make it one of the TWO times in my entire SCA career that I bailed early from an event. I was just beaten like a baby seal.

I know they say 'Outlanders are tough'. I know why - we are like beef jerky. All the moisture has been drained from us by these desert events. I honestly felt like boot leather, and I was pretty mad that looking at myself in the restaurant mirror actually scared me. No wonder the servers gave us a wide berth.

After returning to the site, we packed, said our goodbyes, and made our way to 10,000 Waves in Santa Fe. Blissssssssss.......

Later on, a nice belly full of Indian Food and a great deal of distance put me in a mindset to NEVER set foot on Grand Outlandish soil again.

We spent our Memorial Day (the actual last day of the event) visiting Bishop Castle and taking the extreme scenic route home through Phantom Canyon.

Many, many of you have heard my vow to cut Grand Outlandish from my event itinerary. Well. Ahem...uh...right.

So I hear they are moving the site. I also hear it's beautiful. Trees. Nestled near the mountains, away from the flatlands that create those powerful wind tunnel effects. Hmmm.

I feel like the dealer has come back into town with a new drug. One that MIGHT not have all those nasty side effects.

Will I be tricked into a bad trip again? Or will Outlandish FINALLY redeem itself?