Theft at Gulf Wars - full curse version!

One of my favorite character classes in D&D, RPG's and video games is the thief. I've always romanticized the rogue, because it's just cool to slink through shadowy alleyways, leap from rooftop to rooftop, and steal trinkets from unsuspecting NPC's or the unguarded castle treasury. Even though I like playing thieves and rogues in video games, committing crimes vicariously through digital media, in reality, thieves are the lowest of the low.

The following is a message that has been circulating around many of the SCA message boards, and the audacity of these thieves is unbelievable. I have found the original version, complete with curses, which is a much funnier read than the curse-free version. Not that theft is funny, but I appreciate Tymm Gard's humorous attempts the deal with what has to be a monumental disappointment with the SCA. Some 'real' curse words have been sanitized to maintain my PG-13 standards.

Please keep an eye out for these items at events and on Ebay or anywhere else goods such as these may be sold.

If anyone has any information regarding these items, please contact doenifloinn@yahoo.com

Greetings all,

Gulf Wars XVI was great, and later I may write up a nice post on the good times, but unfortunately, my first post must be about the really bad experience.. .

Sunday morning we discovered that someone had stolen most of our gear that I had left by our pavilion space Saturday evening at the battlefield. I should not have left it there overnight, however, we had left plenty of armor, weapons, etc there during the week without incident. I have been in the SCA for over 25 years now, and, blissfully ignorant, have never had anything stolen before.

Whoever did this stole a goodly number of items of no small monetary value, probably more than a thousand dollars of stuff (in replacement value). But of more import, they stole from me an innocence, an ideal, a feeling of comfort and security. Now, when I take the field at the next foreign war, I will know that omeone on that field may be a thief, a low, base, vile, dishonorable varlet. Now
I will know that all my opponents and even my allies may not be honorable men and women of valor.

This was unfortunately not a case of mistakenly gleaned items, but of theft. Our very large weapon pile was picked over, the thieves left a couple of weapons they did not want. Crispin's armor bag was turned into Lost and Found, but the helmet and gauntlets had been removed from it and it was found at a different location than it was left. At least one other person also had her helmet and gauntlets stolen in a similar manner.

Please forward this email on to every SCA list that might prove helpful. The far corners of the Knowne Worlde should know these items are stolen. Maybe someone will notice someone coming home from the war with a bounty of new used weapons and armor. Maybe the thieves will give themselves away somehow and justice can be served (a police report has been filed).

All told, there were 5 fiberglass spears, 5 glaives/pole arms, 2 great swords, 2 long swords, 2 chairs, 1 pavilion, 1 helmet and 1 pair gauntlets stolen from us.

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Tymm Gard's first spear: Nine foot long Black fiberglass shaft (older, thicker-walled variety of shaft) covered in wood grained contact paper; self-made thrusting tip, tapered, no shield hook; large knob end on the handle with black rip tape.

Tymm Gard bought this spear shaft at (Pennsic 23 or maybe 25) and has wielded it in many foreign wars to the detriment of hundreds, possibly thousands of foes. He used this spear to win the Spear Champion of Trimaris Tournament two years ago.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this spear: You will never know glory. If ever you accomplish anything good, no one will be watching, no one will remember and no one will believe you when you tell NoSh**ThereIWas stories about it.

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Tymm Gard's newer spear: Nine foot long Brown fiberglass shaft (newer variety of shaft, very light) covered in very tattered wood grained contact paper; Mandrake Armory thrusting tip kit with shield hook; small knob end on the handle with black grip tape.

Tymm Gard bought this spear and spear tip kit at Pennsic 33 and has wielded it since then primarily because it is so light and quick.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this spear: You will be sluggish when you wield any weapon. Your blows will fall late and your blocks will be too slow -- you will be hit over and over again in the same place.

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Tymm Gard's War Glaive: Rattan 7 1/2 foot long shaft, has a unique bend to it with shaved sides; grip tape handle and grip at top of the haft; self-made thrusting tip and butt spike; self made flat teardrop shaped hand guard at the juncture of haft and blade.

Tymm Gard made this weapon a decade or more ago. It was an old, bent, cracked stick. He used this war glaive at dozens of wars and skirmishes. It was this glaive he was using during the Gulf Wars 14 Field Battles, when as one of the last three Trimarians alive, he defeated in single combat eight Ansteorran champions in a row (so the legends say) until King Miguel opened his court and awarded Tymm Gard, Crynn and Diaz all three the Sable Falcon of Ansteorra there upon the battlefield. It was this glaive he wielded during the Order of the Rose Melee Tournament when the Trimarian Ladies of the Rose chose him to be their Champion for the year.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this glaive: Your hands should bleed when you touch this glaive. Its accumulated *wah* power should cause you, a person without any honor, to spontaneously combust. It will leap from your grasp at every opportunity. It will burst into splinters should you ever manage to strike an honorable opponent and you will be pincushioned with rattan toothpicks.

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Crispin's Spear: Nine foot long black duct taped shaft with decorative white crosses; self-made cylindrical thrusting tip; this spear was a few inches too long and did not pass inspection at the war.

Crispin says he hardly used this weapon over the last 10 or 15 years -- spear is not his forte, he says. He is a modest and humble man.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this spear: While you use this spear, you will get face-jacked so hard you will lose teeth.

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Iseault's Spear: Nine foot long blue and purple decorated shaft; self-made thrusting tip (tapered) with a decorative yellow fleur-de-lis on the thrusting tip's face; yellow leather grip handle.

Iseault's spear has been on loan to Duke Llewellyn for a number of years. He said it was used to defeat many, many honorable foes. He returned the spear to heron Saturday.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this spear: No one will ever loan you anything. You will be in need and you will find yourself without resources or friends.

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Strahd's Spear: Nine foot long red fiberglass shaft, un-taped, cracked slightly; self-made thrusting tip and shield hook.

Strahd used this spear against Trimarians when he lived in Ansteorra and against Ansteorrans now that he lives in Trimaris. It was cracked and he bought a replacement shaft earlier in the war, which he still has, so he does not mourn its loss too much.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this spear: You will always be confused as to whose side you fight on. Your allies will strike you thinking you are the foe and you will strike your allies instead of the foe. You will gain an insulting nick-name such as "Kinslayer" or "Friendly Fire." The spear shaft will shiver asunder the first time you strike an honorable opponent and you will be injured with the impact.

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Tymm Gard's Short Glaive: Six foot long shaft, blade silver and blue duct tape, haft covered with black duct tape and spiral wrapped with grip tape; thrusting tip and butt spike self-made using black rubber ball hitch covers; flat oblong hand guard at juncture of haft and blade.

Tymm Gard made this weapon from the haft of an older war glaive about 15 years ago. He rarely used it, preferring the longer glaive, but did wield it in this Gulf Wars' Town Battle, sometimes two handed, sometimes in his left hand alone, so that he could swing a sword and grab the flag with a gauntleted hand.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this glaive: For you, nothing will endure. You will misplace your precious things, lose them, someone will steal them from you.

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Tymm Gard's Short Spear: Thrusting weapon, apx. 48" long, apx. 1 3/4" thick rattan, self-made wedge spear head shaped thrusting tip on one end, Mandrake Armory Pole Weapon black rubber thrusting tip on the other end.

Tymm Gard built this weapon 20 years ago, or so, back when there was a vogue in Trimaris for fighting with a "baby glaives." Later, and recently, he used it as a secondary weapon. The Mandrake thrusting tip was a new addition.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this glaive: You will lack innovation. Any idea you have will have already been done, and you will be ridiculed for mentioning it. This will happen so often you will fade into silence and obscurity.

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Crispin's Swords: Inch and a quarter diameter rattan, shaved handles; Asgard black plastic cup hilts; silver duct tape with yellow contrast edges; no thrusting tips.

When Crispin wielded these two swords, they were as a whirling wind of wood surrounding his body, that would reach out to strike you without warning and ward him from blows.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal these swords: You will try to fight two-sword and fail miserably. You will be bruised, battered and injured seriously. These swords will not work for you. You will get them crossed up and tangled, unable to land a blow or defend against your opponent's swings.

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Crispin's Helmet: Mild steel bascinet with bar grille; Blacksword Armory original item. I will post links to pictures of the missing items later...

This was Crispin's first helmet, made for him by Sir Seosaidh. The pate it protected is a fountain of Chivalry, something foreign to you.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this helmet: For you this helm will ring like a bell when struck, and all you do to prevent it from being struck will be to no avail. The first strong Duke who strikes it will break the bar grille, sending a bar into your eye, deep into your pitifully malformed brain -- you will die.

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Crispin's Gauntlets: Mild steel mitten gauntlets; Blacksword Armory design and make; they were painted black with white letters drawn upon them.

Crispin's gauntlets protected his hands while he fought, so that he could open his hands to those in need, and gently close them about the arms of his lady and his children. His hands could dispense justice and gentility at will.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal these gauntlets: No hands will be open to you, none shall treat with you gently. Hands will be raised against you at all turns. You will not find protection, but instead gauntlets will be thrown at your feet in challenge and you will be unmanned.

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Tymm Gard & Elianora's Field Pavilion: "First Up" brand 10x10 popup pavilion, blue canopy, white metal frame; black triangular dagging sewn around bottom edge of canopy; patches with Tymm Gard's and the Triskele Legion's devices sewn over the "First Up" logos on the canopy.

Elianora sat in this pavilion while she inspired Tymm Gard when he fought in Crown Lysts and other tournaments. Crispin and his brother Paterno slept in it at Pennsic. It was set up at several wars as an armor tent. Elianora and Honoree spent hours re-decorating it -- they sewed the dagging on it, and made walls for it, so that it appeared more period.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this pavilion: You will find no shade from the sun nor respite from the rain under this pavilion. You will find no shelter anywhere and no one will inspire you. You will become homeless.

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Crispin's Great Sword: Apx. six foot rattan greatsword, light and strong; shaved handle, silver duct tape with black tape contrast edge.

Crispin wielded this sword with style, prowess and grace unmatched. He thought it was lost for the first few days of Gulf Wars, but it was resting against a tree in camp, partially hidden by shields.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this sword: You will not be able to find things that you are missing, even though they are right before you. You will step on a rattlesnake with grievous consequences.

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Tymm Gard's Great Sword: Six foot rattan greatsword; heavy black duct taped (Gorilla tape) shaft with silver duct tape contrast edge; thrusting tip self-made using black rubber ball hitch cover; lead tape and hard rubber half-sphere make up the butt counterweight, tire tubber quillions wrapped heavily with duct tape.

Tymm Gard recently made this sword, refurbishing Alkman's old greatsword, and had hardly used it. He spend a lot of time wrapping the counterweight, attaching the tip and re-taping the shaft and quillions. Crispin used it some during the fighting vigil for Scout on Friday.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this sword: The balance of every weapon you touch will not suit you and no matter how much you tinker with them, they will always feel awkward in your grasp. A large rock will fall upon you.

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Alkman's Glaive: Apx. Seven and a half foot long rattan shaft; silver duct tape blade with black contrast edge; two large, red taped, busted-ass thrusting tips on either end.

This glaive should not have been down by the field, as its thrusting tips never would have passed inspection. Patricles and Hroutland in their very helpful way, brought Tymm Gard's weapons down to the battlefield and they grabbed this stick along with the others. Alkman gave it to Tymm Gard a while back and he brought it to war to possibly refurbish with new tips or to give away. It was still marked with Alkman's name.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this glaive: You will lose all your friends. No one will gift you with anything, no one will volunteer to help you. You will be foolish enough to try to get this weapon inspected without fixing the tips and a zealous Marshal will pull your authorization card.

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Crispin's Glaive: Apx. seven foot rattan shaft, stained to look like a darker wood; silver duct tape blade with black contrast edge.

Crispin weilded this glaive with ferocity matching that of his totem, the lion.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this glaive: You will know fear, always. This will be evident to all, as you will wet your breeches frequently. You will be branded a coward.

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Elianora's Chair: Wooden framed, short legged "Director's" style; beige mesh waterproof fabric back and seat; sold at Target stores.

Elianora bought this chair and has used it for a comfortable seat by the campfire or battlefield. It looked period enough, was sturdy and weather resistant.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this chair: This chair will break when you sit in it, and will tumble you to the ground roughly. People will laugh and point. You will get a splinter in your a** that takes a surgeon to remove it.

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Iseault's Chair: Dark wooden folding chair, period design with a carved back piece and lion head carved into the ends of the arm rests. This chair is fairly unique and not readily replaceable.

Iseault sat upon this chair and inspired Crispin to great feats of honor and glory. She inspired all who would gaze upon her beauty and bearing.

Tymm Gard's curse to the person who knowingly did steal this chair: You will inspire no one. You will look foolish seated upon this chair. This chair will ultimately be your downfall, as it will be recognized and you will be caught, beaten, arrested and raped in jail.

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Thank you all for your indulgence, sorry for the length of this missive. Please forward this to the Knowne Worlde.

HL Tymm Gard, OMS, OST

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The thief or thieves better hope they are never caught. Because I smell a good old-fashioned a**-whupping coming...